I was freed by a simple text telling me it was over. I have just recently linked ‘boyfriend’ to this mental ilness. And because he stole all our stuff. !..Head over heart!!!!…. Our life really seemed to be good until about a year or so ago. Eventually the honeymoon phase ended. She was everything and guy wanted. I just wanted him to like me. Me and my husband – her dad got married in summer 2006. I’m all about being accountable for your own actions so this REALLY bothered me, but I didn’t really say anything because I did care for him and didn’t want to “rock the boat.” Then one evening I went onto the Match website (where we met) to cancel my auto renewal and while I was doing that, I noticed his profile was “online now.” This is a man who made a commitment to me, said he loved me, and was making plans for the future. Find strategies for managing aging narcissistic parents/partners in Julie’s new book The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. I have given my whole heart and soul to this man, it feels like a huge loss of something that never truly existed. I just blew that off, but during sex she quietly whispered to me that she loved me. Weird phone. Perhaps that is enough punishment for their evil actions. I think you can find some solace and guidance on my site: Holistic Divorce Counseling. The entire situation was very hurtful and damaging. He was well known and well liked from the city I was from. I was baffled at how quickly he flipped this switch. I dontbeven know what happened…and I lived through it. Still the relationship continued…he told me he loved me, we were sleeping together, and he began talking about a future for us. He convinced her to fire me when I spoke up. Yes, my “devil” moved on to his next victim within days of breaking off from me. Yes, I’m realizing that I’ve been duped by a con. You really do need to learn what it is about you that make you vulnerable to being snared by a narcissist. If I ever tried to set healthy boundaries, he would threaten suicide! How could you? When he got sober, then he changed to a loving soul like I am. They will not care in the slightest what they are doing to others, as long as their needs are being met. I suppose they deserve our pity more than our ire but still, the treatment was so horribly egregious and reprehensible. It really must be tough to have to keep up such a crazy mask all the time, and the fear of abandonment is definitely there. I knew he had struggled with alcohol in the past and was not a serial dater as he always in long term relationships. My boss accused me of mixing personal and work issues and that she had every right to date whoever she wanted. The trauma of this relationship has been terrible. The first date with him was amazing. Not even a “leave me alone”. Humour is about empathy with normals. Your sense of worth and esteem is so eroded that you begin to believe that nobody else would want you, so you die inside. He would tell me he needs me all the time, that he loves me and misses me, but the little things didn’t really happen, like going out in public and doing things. i would text him ,ask to meet him out when she was working just to see what he would do . She idolized me and she wanted to be me. Are wedding nite we had sex and he got up and act like no connection no kissing no hugging. I have recently experienced this blow after a 5year in depth relationship where I saw the characteristics of narcissism but chose to lift this person up; be there for him unconditionally because his mother and children pulled all the strings and i basically brought him to his learned independence and reality; taught him how to interact with his children and be more present. i am so alone in this. At least that’s what he claims, it could have been a lie, because he lies constantly and we’re long distance so I have no way to prove if from afar. The only issue for her is that I don’t care what others think of me, lol! It has been nearly a month now since I moved out. I only thought she was the ONE besides the LOVE bombing and been 15 years older than me..I toughgth she was right.. I told him I thought he was a narc and ill . Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism. Today not so good. She told me over the phone how much she was bothered that her new friends would always ask her to hang out. Thank you very much for helping me to understand everything! He’s lied to me so many times, then retold different versions to me, not recalling that he’d told me something else. The person with narcissism often may begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue his or her significant other. I’m heart broken to think that there is a loving human being under neath it all. Sadly I believe that the people who are like this will never be satisfied with what they get from others, even though this is always what they are seeking. In my circumstance , I was the first one to ever make her orgasm through intercourse ( I could tell by her reaction this was in fact true, one of the few things that was true) so needless to say she would keep coming back and back and back if I still allowed it.. So the silent treatment has lasted a month. I thought that by being a “good” boyfriend and showing unconditional love would help but it didn’t. The first was the unasked for on my part to be in competition with his mother. In my case, a seductive, sex obsessed Narcissistic Sociopath. I had “red flags” but I cared for him and went ahead in spite of my concerns. never go to doctor or buy groceries. . Why Going No Contact is So Hard. Thank you, now i can also recognize a Narcissist through his writing.. ?” Having ZERO regard for anyone.. time.. situation.. anything but their own wants!! All she replied was, “I thought we were just acquaintances.” Stunned. God knows where that came from. It’s all a game, a bag of tricks, and I am so exhausted. He never responded. Please tell me you’re not in Colorado! Over and over again and again. In effect, being in a relationship with a narcissist is the equivalent of being in a cult. I am glad in a way iv been through it cos I recognise these people now and I can’t actually believe these people are amongst us …. Within a few months his true personality came out. Being discarded is a blessing, and not something to vex over for people who’re entangled with these creatures, really. Something didn’t make sense. I am so broken down by this entire thing too. So I seriously just thought SHE was crazy, lol. We have no ill will in us just goodness kindness and selflessness and thats exactly what they take advantage of . After 2 years with her cycles, I had to go to a therapist to deal with issues of anger that I had been developing as the relationship went along. This article really has me contemplating if my new boyfriend is a narcissist. So the devaluing and discarding were done in silence. Last fall, my group of girlfriends hinted to me of a guy who had been asking around about me. I will admit that I later regretted doing that because it prevented me from ever getting closure. I truly fell in love with this stunning, personable, fun woman. It will seem like no time at all before they want to spend every moment with you. I had met him on a dating site. Narcissists will associate with individuals you would not trust to park your car because they attract those who see narcissism as something to value. Narcissists are self-obsessed individuals who control others for their personal gain; they use a few specific tactics for getting and maintaining control. It won’t be long before you will become privy to your narcissists frightening temper. This made no sense, so I texted her back and asked her what this was all about? I will never forget what I’ve learned. This is what they are good at- not letting you see the cunning and deception until they are ready for you to discover just how much you are being and have been used. I did say get out of the house, but I didn’t MAKE her leave. I get accusedbof giving him too much space in my head…I just want to scream. Even if they leave, they will return. I miss the ‘illusion’ everyday, yet am infuriated when I think about the deception.. my solace is that he will never find hapiness and I atleast have an opportunity to move on with my life. Now I’m the other woman. They will never see their own faults. What was I to tell them? when i was done with him. i think he was planning his get away from the beginning and because he never uttered the word “boyfriend” he can turn around now and say “look he’s crazy- i never was with him!” if thats the case whyd he feel the need to formerly break up with me? After 7 years of being with my boyfriend and long distance as part of the relationship I in the first year started seeing the signs. I think that’s collateral damage. Yes, there were red flags, the biggest one was going from zero to soulmate in a few weeks, without having ever sat in the same room. I’ve dealt with two people who definitely have narcissistic personality disorder (not just garden-variety narcissists) and it has just about been impossible to get rid of them. I know this for a fact because I can relate to your story. I’m showing my ex-coworkers the proof of his cheating so they will know who he really is. Very thoughtful and well written. That’s lunacy, but I ignored the obvious. We deserve so much more and to be loved by a wonderful man. Armed with knowledge, survivors understand the relationship cycle they endured and can move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the merry-go-round of emotional abuse and be just fine. I’ll be the one monitoring him. I was at ease he was back that I not dare rock the boat risking that silent treatment happening again. It is good that you feel that you would be able to run!!! These mails grew and grew, I am uncomfortable as it proves his lack of loyalty and looking back I was deceived too. In the beginning of a romantic relationship with a person affected by narcissism, an individual may describe the initial infatuation stage as “otherworldly.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or slightly more. Everything good in me he attacked. After what she did, I didn’t have it in my heart to get close to anyone. He did me a favor. I had a somewhat narcissistic father, but his alcohol abuse was the source of it. I look forward to more articles written by you, on this and other topics. It was a mix of shock and amazement. During this silent treatment time, I reached out to him many times, pleading and telling him how much I cared and loved him, only to be ignored or his return messages were very hostile. He or she must secure the supply of another target, usually in short order. he is 58 living with a very nieve 27 year old . I replied very politely. “Apologizing” for their behavior. Everything is fabricated, literally every single fact they told you from day one is not true. I said F this and said a couple more hurtful things. Real sick! The most difficult thing for me now is that I will be unable to trust. Around the same time – he professed he was in love with me & he had never said it this soon to ANYONE. I WISH these narcissists would “discard” me, because they just don’t seem to get the hint! She left because she wanted my attention, and I was done giving it to her over her own kids… Then the lies to the children started. He’s told me he loves me, yet his words have been as empty as his lack of actions. But, he was the one who asked me to be his lady and suggested that we would get married. To my surprise, within minutes she responded. My gut told me it was disgusting and uncalled for and I didn’t deserve to be accused of something so awful. I have lost a number of friends through the years I was with him. I am 52 and we cannot let these lost souls steal our souls. It does – it blows you away when you see stuff like this. I was kind of stunned, but I figured I would still see her at church. All because of race. He was well aware of this view when he initially groomed me. He was always the victim. I should have noticed years back, but she was a very good liar and manipulator. I could detect the shakiness and worry in his voice. Ultimately he said his life was looking up and he could not be in contact anymore. I hadn’t heard of it before and it certainly explains what I am experiencing. What she said just took my breath away and made me feel like no man ever should. Then the cycle of sadness and hurt starts again. Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and, sometimes, physical abuse. Why? The action you have undertaken (setting up the website to alert others to what a narcissist is so they can act on the red flags) seems to be one that is not consistent with being a narcissist. I hurt so bad. I watched him rage, I was very frightened and remember thinking ‘how did I get here’ and ‘who is here’ I was frozen and hyper vigilant. i lost 8 years of my life. He doesn’t deserve you. Mel x. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Describes my ex to the last point. I was every bit as clueless as they were. He loved me and he obviously wasn’t using me – for sex anyway. I got hotlined on my birthday for a methlab!! Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. Do the same , live your life and have the courage to be as awesome as you are simply by just being who you are is also a piece of recent advice that Im going to keep reminding myself of also, and how effortless can that be ?! The funny thing is that only her enablers believed her, and half her family sided with me! Oh man I dated this chick for a couple months, thought she was different then I read this and now more awakened since it explains exactly what happened. He never “forgot” things that put him in a good light! Never said another word. The relationship is untenable. Your last sentence fits my situation to a T!!…. 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